Better Undead than Dunderhead
by MazzyStarShip
Summary: Snape knows that the vampire Sanguini will attend Slughorn's party. Sick of the dunderheads ruining his life, he makes a bid for freedom. Humor oneshot.


_**Better Undead than Dunderhead**_

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Harry Potter, etc., etc.

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Severus Snape's lip curled as he watched the assembled students. Everywhere they were chattering, gossiping, and giggling, soaking up the atmosphere of Slughorn's precious party. Dunderheads, the lot of them.

There was the spawn of James Potter in the corner, his appalling hair failing to hide his facial disfigurement. His daffy, bug-eyed date was no doubt prattling about some creature attracted to large gatherings of dunderheads. Loitering nearby was the insufferable know-it-all, her furry head likely hosting said creature. Oh, how he wished he could curse them all.

They were all plotting his death. He was certain of it. And he had to stand here and humor them, just because he once had a childhood crush on his neighbor. He understood the folly of that now. He had vowed to himself long ago to stamp out both childhoods and crushes wherever he encountered them. They would all thank him later.

He would not be caught dead at something as dreadful as a 'Christmas party' if he did not have such an important mission. It was the most important mission of his career, in fact. Tonight he would finally break free of the oaths that bound him. There would be no more Potters or Weasleys or Longbottoms in his life, no more Dumbledores or Dark Lords.

His target was still surrounded by a pack of giggling girls. Gryffindors, of course. They were always Gryffindors. The wistful sighs they shot at the man were enough to turn the stomach of a dementor. The man was handsome, he supposed, with his crushed-velvet robes, stylish cravat, and sleek black hair. He would even admit that his target's pale complexion and entrancing eyes were admirable qualities. That was still no excuse for the fools to fawn over him like a baby unicorn. Hadn't they ever seen a vampire before?

He was considering the merits of a well-placed confundus charm when the chits finally began flittering away. Now was the time. His target was alone. He approached subtly, all of his practice at stealth serving its purpose.

"Master Sanguini," he intoned.

"Severus," the vampire responded cordially. "How are you this fine evening?"

"I will be better when I can leave this accursed room. May I impose on you for a moment of your time? In private."

"But of course. Lead the way."

Snape led him away from the party to a nearby classroom. It was abandoned and gloomy, the very reason he had chosen it for the coming conversation. It was imperative that he make a good impression. He seated himself behind an ancient desk and conjured a comfortable chair for his guest, gesturing for him to sit.

Sanguini sank gracefully into the chair and sipped from a deep red cocktail he had brought from the party. "How may I help you?" he inquired with a smile.

Snape observed him for a long moment. "I hope I can rely on your discretion in this matter."

"Most certainly."

"Then I wish to be turned," he said bluntly. "As soon as possible."

Sanguini blinked, and then examined Snape's expressionless demeanor. A sly grin spread across his face until he erupted in full-blown laughter. "Oh, well played, Severus! Well played, indeed. I didn't realize you had such a wonderful sense of humor!"

Snape raised an eyebrow. Had the man confused him for a Hufflepuff? It seemed he would have to educate the vampires on proper decorum after he was admitted to their ranks.

Sanguini's grin slowly disappeared as he realized that the Hogwarts professor did not share his mirth. "Wait—you're serious?"

"Indeed."

Sanguini cleared his throat and settled further into the chair. "My apologies. Might I ask why?"

"I have many reasons. First and foremost, I wish to escape this castle and the fools within it. I wish to escape Britain entirely, in fact."

Sanguini examined his manicure and frowned. "I'm afraid I don't follow. Can't you simply leave? Shuffling off your mortal coil seems a rather large step to take."

"I have considered the matter thoroughly, I assure you. This is the only way that will remove me from the influence of those who have been abusing my services."

He gestured at Snape's arm. "So you are seeking sanctuary from your Dark Lord?"

Snape smiled, exposing a mouthful of crooked yellow teeth. "Not precisely. If I trade my life for…undeath, this wretched mark will disappear. He will be not able to find me, nor will my other 'master' and his collection of misfits. And I have much to offer you in return."

He watched as the vampire nodded slowly, clearly understanding the genius of the plan. He could feel his freedom grow ever closer. There would be no demented plots featuring swords, snitches, and camping trips in his future.

"I see. I sympathize with your situation, my dear Severus, but this is all rather unusual. There is an application process, you see, and a waiting list with—"

Snape interrupted his speech by dropping a thick stack of parchment on the desk. "There is my application. In triplicate. Rest assured that I am prepared to become a valuable member of your society."

He could barely resist a smirk. No doubt the creatures would be begging him to run their organization within a fortnight. That was the way of things, after all. Wizarding Britain would collapse without his assistance. Dumbledore would choke on a lemon drop. The Dark Lord would kill all of his followers in a fit of rage. Potter would spontaneously combust through sheer Potterness.

Sanguini eyed the documents and hesitantly picked them up. "Right, let's have a look then."

 _Name: Severus Lucille Snape_

 _Date of Birth: January 9, 1960_

 _Muggle or Magical? Magical_

 _Financial Assets: 15,000 galleons; a tastefully-appointed home in Cokeworth; a variety of rare potions ingredients; an impressive collection of human hair_

 _Relevant Skills: Potions Master, Master of Dark Curses, Master of Mind Arts, Flawless Swooping, Unmitigated Cruelty to Innocents, The Language of Flowers (see attached photos)_

 _Reasons for Seeking Membership: Dunderheads (i.e., a desire to share my estimable skills with more refined company)_

The vampire's eyebrows rose as he read. "Lucille?"

A spot of color appeared in Snape's cheeks, the first time such an event had occurred in decades. "My mother was a fan of Lucille Ball, the muggle actress."

"Oh! How lovely. She was a delightful woman. Have you seen her performance in _Fancy Pants_? I think it's her best work."

Snape fidgeted, another event that happened with extraordinary infrequency. "I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure."

"Ah. A shame. It's a fine film. But perhaps redheads are an acquired taste," he acknowledged with a polite smile.

Snape smiled thinly but did not respond.

Sanguini's smile faded during the awkward silence. "Yes, well…moving on. You are rather vague on your reasons for seeking admission to our society."

"There are some things that I cannot say. I am under a variety of oaths, all of which would be lifted if I were to die, so to speak. Suffice it to say that one of my masters is homicidal and the other is suicidal. I am tasked with protecting two simpletons who cannot be trusted to tie their own shoes. It is a hopeless situation."

Sanguini returned the documents to the desk with a frown. "You have to understand, Severus, that we are a very exclusive society. We don't accept just anyone, especially if they pose a potential danger to us. We do our best to remove ourselves from wizarding affairs."

Snape leaned forward. "I assure you I am discreet. My skills at evading detection are without peer. I could create a new identity for myself at a moment's notice. I had been considering…'Master Salazar Bloodcauldron.'"

Sanguini raised an immaculately groomed eyebrow. "A quite remarkable name."

Snape nodded, satisfied to be in the presence of someone who could appreciate the true depth of his cunning. He stood from the desk, looming over his guest, and began pacing with his hands behind his back. It was a pose his students always found to be impressive.

"My new identity is negotiable, of course, but I believe it is well-suited, given the extraordinary nature of my skills. My presence would lend unprecedented prestige to your organization."

"I see. To which skills do you refer?"

He stopped pacing and gave the man his most imperious stare. "My abilities as a potions master are unparalleled. I could create a never-ending supply of blood-replenishing potions. It would revolutionize vampirism!"

The vampire looked at him oddly. "Yes, well—I hate to disappoint you, Severus, but we already have those. We call them muggles."

A spot of color rose again in Snape's cheeks. "I am also a master of the Mind Arts. Clearly that makes me an ideal candidate to become a vampire."

Sanguini shifted in his seat. "As I'm certain you're aware, you would lose your magic after your rebirth. Vampires have the ability to hypnotize, but we do not practice wizarding mind arts."

Snape cursed under his breath and continued pacing. The creature was not groveling quite as much as he had expected. "No matter, no matter. I have prepared for this. I shall soon have a bat animagus form. I am merely weeks away from my breakthrough—and my swooping skills! I am quite well-known for them. Simply ask around."

At this proclamation, he drew the edge of his cloak over his mouth and nose, narrowed his eyes, and then twirled away from his seated guest, his cape billowing dramatically behind him.

"Yes, that's…quite impressive."

Snape inclined his head graciously at the compliment. "Indeed. And I have been acclimating myself to your culture, as it were."

He pulled a blood pop from within his robes and unwrapped it. He placed it in his mouth and sucked on it delicately, as if savoring the most exquisite of tastes.

"As you can readily observe, I shall have no trouble adjusting to my new lifestyle."

Sanguini opened and then closed his mouth. Snape watched him with satisfaction. He had succeeded in rendering the man speechless.

"Severus, there are perhaps a few things that may be unclear in wizarding accounts of vampirism. There is more to it than billowing capes and…blood pops. Vampirism is a hallowed art, a noble calling, not to be undertaken lightly. We understand the beauty of the majestic blood that courses through human veins, the delicate dance required to bewitch the minds and ensnare the senses of innocents. We have mastered the art of seduction, so much so that they beg for us to caress their necks. We have no need for—well, the theatrics of wand-waving."

Snape thought that sounded rather like a load of pretentious twaddle, but he would suffer the man's delusions of grandeur if they allowed him to escape the yoke of Potters and Malfoys around his neck. He was accustomed to the blathering of his colleagues, and knew when to hold his tongue.

"Well put," he said with his most congenial smile. "Well put. I too am a master at the art of seducing young minds, of showing fools the deeper truths they are incapable of grasping. Clearly we are a match made in heaven….or hell, if you prefer," he added conspiratorially, his smile widening.

Sanguini returned the faintest of smiles. His hand brushed a piece of non-existent lint from his robes. "I was referring to a rather more literal definition of seduction."

"Pardon?"

"It is no matter. But you must understand, my friend, that being a vampire requires a certain sense of taste, no pun intended. Our society has strict standards to maintain. They can seem quite rigorous to those who are not, shall we say, gifted by nature."

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Snape replied.

"Your teeth," he answered, deliberately exposing his long white fangs. "You would have to do something about your teeth."

Snape frowned. "I thought that issue took care of itself."

"Not your fangs. Those come with the gift. I mean your teeth. They're—how shall I put this?—yellow. Have you ever seen a vampire with yellow teeth?"

Snape's face went blank. "I shall take your suggestion under advisement," he answered stiffly.

Sanguini tilted his head, examining him with a critical gaze. "I'm afraid that your hair is problematic as well."

"And what precisely is the matter with my hair?" he drawled in a tone that never failed to inspire the fear of death in his students.

"Er, aside from the fact that it's stringy, greasy, and disheveled?"

"Yes," he replied through gritted teeth.

"Well…nothing, I suppose. That was meant to be rhetorical, my dear boy."

Snape considered drawing his wand on the impudent beast, but thought better of it. Clearly he was dealing with a foolish underling, the Gregory Goyle of the clan. For the moment he was forced to humor the man's vain eccentricities. So long as he played errand boy with his application, it was no matter. His masters would see the wisdom of welcoming him into their midst.

"I shall give your…opinions…the consideration they deserve."

"Excellent! Excellent!" the vampire replied enthusiastically. He rose and began edging toward the door. "Do remember that we have a reputation to uphold. Cleanliness is next to ungodliness, as they say. I hope I have given you some things to think on."

Snape smiled unctuously as the man moved away from him. "Of course; of course. Don't forget to take my application with you. I shall be awaiting your approval within, shall we say, two weeks?"

Sanguini stared at the stack of parchment on the desk. "Oh, how forgetful of me. My apologies. Yes. Two weeks. We shall give it our utmost consideration."

He retrieved the application and saluted Snape with his drink, then silently exited the room.

Snape watched him go with a pleased smile. It mattered little that his guest was obsessed with such trivialities as haircare. He had played the role of gracious host to perfection, radiating charm, skill, and noblesse oblige. As soon as the popinjay delivered his application, he would be free.

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 **A/N** : Just some silliness inspired by all the 'Snape Is A Vampire' jokes. Thanks for reading, and thanks to BennyS, Voice of the Nephilim, and everyone at DLP who provided feedback on the rough draft, especially enembee and blorcyn.


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